How To: Nearly Kill Your Family

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Check the clock. 11:30 pm. Wonder what you were thinking staying up so late. Again! Pull yourself up off the couch and away from your knitting. Stretch out your fingers. This will probably hurt. You've been knitting since the baby went to bed three hours ago.

Head into the bathroom so you can start your nightly routine. Brush your teeth. Skip the floss. (Yes, that's routine too.) Wash your face somewhat less than thoroughly.  Turn off the lights, climb into bed, pull up the covers, and…STOP! It’s Saturday. Tomorrow is Sunday. And you neglected laundry this week. Roll out of bed. Check the closet. Bad news. You don’t have a clean shirt for church.

Try not to cry as you sort through the "whites" bin and carry your pile of smelly clothes through the house to the laundry room.  You’re mad now. Why did J. make you stay up so late? Why did the neighbor decide to walk the dog at midnight? Why does said neighbor always yell at said dog at midnight? Why did Hallmark air that movie in October that you had to record and had to watch tonight? Why hasn’t someone invented a laundry-bot yet? Ignore that small yet persistent voice of reason in the back of your mind saying you should only be mad at yourself. This isn’t your fault.

Because you’re exhausted, it’s best to move slowly. Carefully transfer the dirty clothes from the floor to the washing machine, one article at a time. Notice black stains in the armpits of the shirt you were hoping to wear tomorrow—your favorite, most expensive Caslon white t-shirt that you were hoping to wear tomorrow. Pretend that something is in your eye. You don’t cry over laundry. Vow to never, never, never wear a black cardi over a white t-shirt again!

Grab your glass bowl and fill it with warm water. Mix in a heaping scoop of that DIY laundry detergent you're so proud of and slosh the shirt around in there. Scrub the stains vigorously for a few minutes. Stop. You’re getting nowhere. Spot the bleach on shelve. Recklessly grab the bottle and dump some in your shirt/detergent/armpit-stain mixture.

Wonder why it’s fizzing. Wonder what that smell is. Dump it all down the drain pronto! Panic as you google the ill-effects of mixing bleach with every single ingredient you put in that laundry detergent. Find little helpful info. Fels-naptha? Borax? Washing Soda? Oxiclean? Oxiclean. Read right on the Oxiclean label, “Do not mix with products containing ammonia, chlorine bleach, or with other household chemicals.” 

Well, s%@&t!¹   

Frantically run around with your shirt up over your face bandit style, eyes squinted, and arms flapping. Open every window. Turn on every fan and vent. Run the tap water down the drain where you poured your poison, just in case. Who knows what chemicals are floating all over your house, waiting for an unsuspecting victim to breath them in so they can wreak havoc all over your insides!?

Check the baby. Check the hubby. Check the dog. Everyone is still breathing. For now.

Spend another thirty minutes googling chlorine gas poisoning, bleach, and Oxiclean. Spend way too much time reading about chlorine gas poisoning and WWI. Pray really hard that you and your family won’t wake up dead. Throughout this whole process you should intermittently zone out, giving yourself time to mentally compose your hate letter to Oxiclean. (Or Clorox? No, Clorox has been around longer. Oxiclean it is.)

Why, Why, Why would anyone make a laundry detergent that cannot be mixed with bleach, a known laundry detergent!  

Decide not to send that letter. But you’ll definitely be switching detergents. Your mom’s been telling you about a great non-toxic, totally natural one for months. And if you’re going to be doing laundry at midnight again, it’s probably safer anyway.

¹ Shoot. What did you think I meant?

How to: Breathe

I'm really excited for today's post! It's my first guest post! Make sure you link up to my best friends blog, Momma Roars. I think you'll like it!

Step 1: Put the baby to bed.

Bath. Diaper. Bottle. Blanket. Binky.

Step 2: Take your first real breath of the day. Forget that you’ve been surviving on the short, frantic breaths of the drowning; breaths that can’t really fill you. Forget it and just breathe.

Breathe in the messy house.

Breathe out. Forget it.

Breathe in the grimy clothes.

Breathe out. Relax

Breathe in the burnt dinner.

Breathe out. Let it go.

Breathe

Forget it.

Breathe

Relax.

Breathe

Let it go. 

*Repeat Step 2 as necessary to achieve desired results. 

How to: Make Lists and Accomplish Things

Wake up motivated. Make a to-do list. Make a checklist. Make a grocery list. Make a reading list. Make any other kind of list you can think of. Pick a list and start with the easiest task on it. Check it off. Continue on to the next easiest task. Check that off. Continue in a similar manner until you've checked off everything on your list. Move on to another list. Do not forget to intermittently pause and check on the baby! That’s important. If you finish everything on every list, make more lists.*

Work. Check.  Work. Check. Wor…Pause! The baby is crying. Feed him lunch. Forget to eat. Make a bottle and put the baby in his crib with it. He needs to wash down that pancake. Get back to work! Work. Check. Work. Check. Wor…Pause! The baby isn’t crying. All is quiet. You should be suspicious now.

Slowly crack the door and peek in the baby’s room. Catch him standing in his crib with the curtains pushed aside and his precious little face smashed against the window. Notice how he is wistfully watching the world outside, wishing he was a part of it. Feel like a horrible, neglectful mother. Put down the endless lists.

Take off your yoga pants. Put on your jeans. Dress the baby in warm clothes and a hat. Dig the stroller from the dark recesses of your messy garage. Ignore the spiders and weird smells. If you find this difficult, just remind yourself that you’re doing this for your son and that makes it worth it.

Walk around the neighborhood and soak in the sunshine. Soak in your baby’s joy. Feel refreshed by the crisp autumn air. Let your baby’s smile fall over you like a veil, erasing every other item on your lists. You didn’t accomplish all you'd planned, but you did something more important. 

*Note that this event is unlikely. You made a lot of lists.

How To: Cope With Sleepy Mornings

Wake to a crying baby. Lay in bed hoping he’s just sleep-screaming. Silence? Go back to sleep, but do not get your hopes up. I cannot emphasize this enough. Do. Not. Get. Your. Hopes. Up. More screaming indicates that he’s up for the day.

Roll out of bed, being careful to make sure your feet hit the floor before the rest of you. Make a bottle. Lay back down in bed, placing the screaming baby next to you. Proceed to give him the bottle. Unclench your teeth when the crying stops.

After breakfast and a diaper change, carefully examine the nursery floor. For best results, you WILL need to see it through the eyes of a child.  This may involve laying your cheek against the carpet and army crawling throughout the room. Stay alert. If you sense yourself succumbing to drowsiness, stand up and do up to (but not exceeding) 25 jumping jacks. This counts as your daily workout, and will sharpen your mind as you look for potential safety hazards.

Pick up and discard the toilet paper the dog shredded.Wonder how he got toilet paper. Try not to wonder if it was used. Unplug the nightlights and plug in the outlet safety covers. Unplug the space heater and store it in the closet. Wonder why you are using a heater in May. Pick up and discard the pieces of the plastic purple penguin the dog chewed up. Wonder why a penguin is purple. Stay focused! Unplug the humidifier and ensure it is out of reach. Then push it 5 inches further back on the dresser as an extra precaution. Plug in more outlet safety covers. Do another cursory examination of the room for any safety hazards you may have missed.

After ensuring that the nursery is baby proofed, spread a blanket and lay on nursery floor with your child as he licks books and throws every noise-making toy he can get his hands on. Take a breath as you look at your son and realize he’s just made this the best morning of your life.