Wake to a crying baby. Lay in bed hoping he’s just
sleep-screaming. Silence? Go back to sleep, but do not get your hopes up. I
cannot emphasize this enough. Do. Not. Get. Your. Hopes. Up. More screaming
indicates that he’s up for the day.
Roll out of bed, being careful to make sure your feet hit
the floor before the rest of you. Make a bottle. Lay back down in bed, placing
the screaming baby next to you. Proceed to give him the bottle. Unclench your
teeth when the crying stops.
After breakfast and a diaper change, carefully examine the
nursery floor. For best results, you WILL need to see it through the eyes of a
child. This may involve laying your
cheek against the carpet and army crawling throughout the room. Stay alert. If
you sense yourself succumbing to drowsiness, stand up and do up to (but not
exceeding) 25 jumping jacks. This counts as your daily workout, and will
sharpen your mind as you look for potential safety hazards.
Pick up and discard the toilet paper the dog shredded.Wonder
how he got toilet paper. Try not to wonder if it was used. Unplug the
nightlights and plug in the outlet safety covers. Unplug the space heater and
store it in the closet. Wonder why you are using a heater in May. Pick up and
discard the pieces of the plastic purple penguin the dog chewed up. Wonder why
a penguin is purple. Stay focused! Unplug the humidifier and ensure it is out
of reach. Then push it 5 inches further back on the dresser as an extra precaution.
Plug in more outlet safety covers. Do another cursory examination of the room
for any safety hazards you may have missed.
After ensuring that the nursery is baby proofed, spread a
blanket and lay on nursery floor with your child as he licks books and throws
every noise-making toy he can get his hands on. Take a breath as you look at
your son and realize he’s just made this the best morning of your life.
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