I Don't Do Sappy

Image by Eng Chun Chia via stock.xchange

Maybe it’s because I recently had a conversation with some friends about how we met our husbands. Or maybe it’s because my hubby has been surprising me with a treat every morning this week and maybe it’s just because it’s February. Whatever the reason, I’ve been feeling particularly sappy.

I don’t normally do sappy. I’m one of those girls who cringe when I see posts on Facebook about how great/hot/sweet/thoughtful someone’s husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend is. First I think, “Oh, brother.”  And then it makes me feel guilty because I’m not sappy.  It’s not that I don’t love my husband. But if I want him to know that, I just tell him. I see no need to announce it to the world. The only person who matters already knows how I feel. Right?

And then there are the questions that somehow always come up when you meet new people. How did you and your husband meet? How did he propose? What are your favorite things about him? I have my standard, one sentence answers for these. “We met at a party. He proposed at Multnomah Falls. Uh….everything?” It’s not that I don’t have answers. I have really good answers, actually! It’s just that...well, they’re my answers! Mine and my husband’s. And really, how do you answer questions about the most important person and event in your life in the course of a simple conversation with someone you barely know anyway?

My answer to that question is: “You don’t!" You don’t share it. But as I’ve mentioned, I’m feeling particularly sappy lately. And I’m becoming sooooo forgetful since having a baby. So I’d like to write about my love story before I forget the details! Maybe one day, I will share it with you. For now, it’s mine.

How to: Make Lists and Accomplish Things

Wake up motivated. Make a to-do list. Make a checklist. Make a grocery list. Make a reading list. Make any other kind of list you can think of. Pick a list and start with the easiest task on it. Check it off. Continue on to the next easiest task. Check that off. Continue in a similar manner until you've checked off everything on your list. Move on to another list. Do not forget to intermittently pause and check on the baby! That’s important. If you finish everything on every list, make more lists.*

Work. Check.  Work. Check. Wor…Pause! The baby is crying. Feed him lunch. Forget to eat. Make a bottle and put the baby in his crib with it. He needs to wash down that pancake. Get back to work! Work. Check. Work. Check. Wor…Pause! The baby isn’t crying. All is quiet. You should be suspicious now.

Slowly crack the door and peek in the baby’s room. Catch him standing in his crib with the curtains pushed aside and his precious little face smashed against the window. Notice how he is wistfully watching the world outside, wishing he was a part of it. Feel like a horrible, neglectful mother. Put down the endless lists.

Take off your yoga pants. Put on your jeans. Dress the baby in warm clothes and a hat. Dig the stroller from the dark recesses of your messy garage. Ignore the spiders and weird smells. If you find this difficult, just remind yourself that you’re doing this for your son and that makes it worth it.

Walk around the neighborhood and soak in the sunshine. Soak in your baby’s joy. Feel refreshed by the crisp autumn air. Let your baby’s smile fall over you like a veil, erasing every other item on your lists. You didn’t accomplish all you'd planned, but you did something more important. 

*Note that this event is unlikely. You made a lot of lists.

How To: Cope With Sleepy Mornings

Wake to a crying baby. Lay in bed hoping he’s just sleep-screaming. Silence? Go back to sleep, but do not get your hopes up. I cannot emphasize this enough. Do. Not. Get. Your. Hopes. Up. More screaming indicates that he’s up for the day.

Roll out of bed, being careful to make sure your feet hit the floor before the rest of you. Make a bottle. Lay back down in bed, placing the screaming baby next to you. Proceed to give him the bottle. Unclench your teeth when the crying stops.

After breakfast and a diaper change, carefully examine the nursery floor. For best results, you WILL need to see it through the eyes of a child.  This may involve laying your cheek against the carpet and army crawling throughout the room. Stay alert. If you sense yourself succumbing to drowsiness, stand up and do up to (but not exceeding) 25 jumping jacks. This counts as your daily workout, and will sharpen your mind as you look for potential safety hazards.

Pick up and discard the toilet paper the dog shredded.Wonder how he got toilet paper. Try not to wonder if it was used. Unplug the nightlights and plug in the outlet safety covers. Unplug the space heater and store it in the closet. Wonder why you are using a heater in May. Pick up and discard the pieces of the plastic purple penguin the dog chewed up. Wonder why a penguin is purple. Stay focused! Unplug the humidifier and ensure it is out of reach. Then push it 5 inches further back on the dresser as an extra precaution. Plug in more outlet safety covers. Do another cursory examination of the room for any safety hazards you may have missed.

After ensuring that the nursery is baby proofed, spread a blanket and lay on nursery floor with your child as he licks books and throws every noise-making toy he can get his hands on. Take a breath as you look at your son and realize he’s just made this the best morning of your life.